So my trip to the Gobi didn't happen over the weekend. I was a little bit bummed out, but still managed to have fun in UB. The weather has been very nice here, but it seems that no matter what activity you are doing there is a cloud hanging over it because everyone knows that in a few short weeks winter will be here.
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| So many conversations summed up. |
Whether its the
miscarriage causing pollution, the icy and dangerous sidewalks, -40 temps, or
the fact the sun doesn't come up until 8:00 or 9:00 a.m. and is fully set by 5:00
p.m. there is so much not to look forward to about winter here. Part of
me dreads it, but part of me is looking forward to the challenge. If this
was easy then it wouldn't be worth it. At least that's what I keep
telling myself.
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A friend of mine
recently linked this article in the NY Times and it really got me thinking
about my service in the PC. Basically the article talks about how uneasy
people get when they have no distractions like the internet or cell phones and
they just have to exist in their own heads. Some of the subjects would
even go so far as to self administer electric shocks instead of having to exist
in their own minds.
I think for a lot of
volunteers there will inevitably come a time when you are out of distractions.
No more books to read. No more battery left in your MP3 player.
No more text messages or people to call or those you have tried to reach
don't respond. Whatever the case may be at some point (and I can really
only speak from own experiences) you will have to spend a lot of time in your
own head. It can be very uncomfortable.
There are times when I
look back at my 2 years in Africa and wonder if I was ever really in a stable
place mentally. Not only are you dealing with the heat, the parasites,
the language, the culture, the bad food, and all the other physical things that
make life so hard, but then you have to learn how to exist in your own head for
hours on end. And that can be the most challenging at times. There
were even times when I would have up to 5 or 6 guys sitting around my
concession making tea and I still felt very alone. They are speaking in a
language you don't have a firm grasp on and as much as you try to engage you
can only go so far. I would sit there and chain smoke cigarettes because
at least I was doing something with my hands that I could focus on. I wonder
if this is one reason why Peace Corps volunteers form such tight bonds with
each other during their service. I can't speak for every volunteer, but
the group I served with in Mali are still some of my closest friends.
When you are all going through the same thing there is an understanding
that forms and maybe you don't talk about it so much, but you all know and you
help each other make it through. And when you go off the rails a little
bit hopefully they will be there to help you get back up and keep moving forward.
And volunteers do go a little nuts sometimes, but the people you serve
with will help you when you need it most or at least be there so you aren't
getting into trouble alone. I remember the story that broke a few years
ago about the marines who were caught urinating on the dead bodies of some
people who they had just been in a fire fight with. I am in no way
condoning what they did and am not saying anything I went through was on that
level of stress, but I couldn't condemn them either. Maintaining your
mental health can be one of the most difficult things even in the least
stressful of environments. And it can lead to actions that you wouldn't even consider doing if you were back home leading a normal life in a normal frame of mind.
I also think this might
be why Peace Corps volunteers who served in different countries can come together
and get along so well. We don't often talk about the mental challenges we
faced. Conversation usually tends to drift towards the weird things we
ate or the physical maladies we faced, but for me there always seems to be an
understanding about the other things that you go through. There are many
things that can be hard to reconcile mentally when you are faced with extreme
poverty. You may not want to bring them up in general conversation, but
you know and they know and I always felt they understand more than anyone back
home.
Which brings up
readjusting once you get back. It took me a very long time to feel like I
was fitting back in. I feel like you are expected to just fall right back
into life and the very small sum of money that you receive as a readjustment
allowance doesn't give you much time before you have to find a job and get on
with your life. I haven't had this conversation too often, but there are
volunteers who have told me that they go through the motions that are expected
of them; finding a job, going to grad school, getting an apartment, hanging out in bars with friends
etc... but no matter how normal they looked to everyone else, they were still
feeling out of place. And I'm not sure you ever get back 100%.
Peace Corps service is something that stays with you forever. There is a lot of good that comes with it, but there is a lot of negative
baggage as well. It one of the reasons that for so many volunteers it is
a major event in their life and stays with them as part of who they are
forever. I've talked with people who served in the 60's in the very
beginning of Peace Corps and can tell that they still see it as a time in their lives
that defined who they would become.
