Gastrointestinal Bug or Just a Case of the Mondays?

I woke up Monday morning feeling a little bit ill.  Not flu like so much just drained.  It reminded me of how I often felt when I was suffering from amoebas in Africa.  For about half an hour I thought maybe I had picked something up, but quickly came to the conclusion that it was just Monday morning.  

So my trip to the Gobi didn't happen over the weekend.  I was a little bit bummed out, but still managed to have fun in UB.  The weather has been very nice here, but it seems that no matter what activity you are doing there is a cloud hanging over it because everyone knows that in a few short weeks winter will be here.

So many conversations summed up.

Whether its the miscarriage causing pollution, the icy and dangerous sidewalks, -40 temps, or the fact the sun doesn't come up until 8:00 or 9:00 a.m. and is fully set by 5:00 p.m. there is so much not to look forward to about winter here.  Part of me dreads it, but part of me is looking forward to the challenge.  If this was easy then it wouldn't be worth it.  At least that's what I keep telling myself.

 No Time To Think

A friend of mine recently linked this article in the NY Times and it really got me thinking about my service in the PC.  Basically the article talks about how uneasy people get when they have no distractions like the internet or cell phones and they just have to exist in their own heads.  Some of the subjects would even go so far as to self administer electric shocks instead of having to exist in their own minds.

I think for a lot of volunteers there will inevitably come a time when you are out of distractions.  No more books to read.  No more battery left in your MP3 player.  No more text messages or people to call or those you have tried to reach don't respond.  Whatever the case may be at some point (and I can really only speak from own experiences) you will have to spend a lot of time in your own head.  It can be very uncomfortable.  

There are times when I look back at my 2 years in Africa and wonder if I was ever really in a stable place mentally.  Not only are you dealing with the heat, the parasites, the language, the culture, the bad food, and all the other physical things that make life so hard, but then you have to learn how to exist in your own head for hours on end.  And that can be the most challenging at times.  There were even times when I would have up to 5 or 6 guys sitting around my concession making tea and I still felt very alone.  They are speaking in a language you don't have a firm grasp on and as much as you try to engage you can only go so far.  I would sit there and chain smoke cigarettes because at least I was doing something with my hands that I could focus on.  I wonder if this is one reason why Peace Corps volunteers form such tight bonds with each other during their service.  I can't speak for every volunteer, but the group I served with in Mali are still some of my closest friends.  When you are all going through the same thing there is an understanding that forms and maybe you don't talk about it so much, but you all know and you help each other make it through.  And when you go off the rails a little bit hopefully they will be there to help you get back up and keep moving forward.  And volunteers do go a little nuts sometimes, but the people you serve with will help you when you need it most or at least be there so you aren't getting into trouble alone.  I remember the story that broke a few years ago about the marines who were caught urinating on the dead bodies of some people who they had just been in a fire fight with.  I am in no way condoning what they did and am not saying anything I went through was on that level of stress, but I couldn't condemn them either.  Maintaining your mental health can be one of the most difficult things even in the least stressful of environments.  And it can lead to actions that you wouldn't even consider doing if you were back home leading a normal life in a normal frame of mind. 

I also think this might be why Peace Corps volunteers who served in different countries can come together and get along so well.  We don't often talk about the mental challenges we faced.  Conversation usually tends to drift towards the weird things we ate or the physical maladies we faced, but for me there always seems to be an understanding about the other things that you go through.  There are many things that can be hard to reconcile mentally when you are faced with extreme poverty.  You may not want to bring them up in general conversation, but you know and they know and I always felt they understand more than anyone back home.  

Which brings up readjusting once you get back.  It took me a very long time to feel like I was fitting back in.  I feel like you are expected to just fall right back into life and the very small sum of money that you receive as a readjustment allowance doesn't give you much time before you have to find a job and get on with your life.  I haven't had this conversation too often, but there are volunteers who have told me that they go through the motions that are expected of them; finding a job, going to grad school, getting an apartment, hanging out in bars with friends etc... but no matter how normal they looked to everyone else, they were still feeling out of place.  And I'm not sure you ever get back 100%.  Peace Corps service is something that stays with you forever.  There is a lot of good that comes with it, but there is a lot of negative baggage as well.  It one of the reasons that for so many volunteers it is a major event in their life and stays with them as part of who they are forever.  I've talked with people who served in the 60's in the very beginning of Peace Corps and can tell that they still see it as a time in their lives that defined who they would become.  

I feel like I have started to ramble a little bit, but when my friend posted that NY Times article it really made think about the mental challenges I faced in the PC and a lot of volunteers face both during their service and after.  Living in these places away from your friends and family can be extremely rewarding, but out of all the challenges that come with a Peace Corps service sometimes the hardest ones are in your own head.